If you go to work daily, like most people do, then you have probably met that guy who talks too much, plods around the office, focuses on something irrelevant or chews with his mouth open. You know, that guy. According to one study, one-in-three people consider quitting their job because of a coworker they can’t stand.
People who are leaders of teams, departments and entire companies are not immune. What do you do when you find yourself in a leadership chair, yet you still can’t stop thinking about how much one of your coworkers bugs you? Avoid them? It’s tempting. Dealing with them daily, much less tackling the issue head-on, could result in drama at work, and no-one wants that.
The more leadership responsibilities you hold, the more destructive bad chemistry can be if it is left unmanaged. The thing is, it happens covertly. Insidiously, even. First, you avoid interacting with the person. They’re insufferable, after all. That works well enough, for a while.
The more leadership responsibilities you hold, the more destructive bad chemistry can be if it is left unmanaged.
Then, sooner or later, the lack of open and honest dialogue catches up. There is a big misunderstanding between the two of you on something important, and the work suffers. Blame gets laid, resentment sets in and the avoidance becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. The people who each of you lead feel the distinct chill, and collaboration between your teams erodes. Silos form and harden. The business stalls.
Sound dramatic? Here is the cold, hard truth. The more you are a leader of other people, the greater the obligation to manage any distaste you have for one of your peers. If not, there will be negative consequences for your business, ones that you, as a conscientious leader, don’t want on your shoulders.
I’ve been in the situation myself. When I put effort into managing the bad chemistry, things were fine. When I failed to, which happened more often than I care to admit, the gap between my colleague and me widened. Because at the time my colleague and I were both senior leaders, the shrinking and widening of that gap was subtly, but nevertheless crucially, consequential for our teams and our entire business.
Top tips on managing bad chemistry
The good news is, managing dislike of a coworker or co-leader is not that hard – it just requires a measure of sustained intentionality. This requires you to decide if it’s worth it. Here is what I’ve learned about how to do all of that.
1. Acknowledge it: The first step to ensuring that a dislike of a coworker doesn’t surreptitiously compromise necessary teamwork is to simply note its presence. It is happening. Pretending that it’s not so you don’t have to deal with it seeds the ground for all sorts of unwanted downsides. And don’t beat yourself up. It happens. Honestly, you’re only human.
2. Unpack it: Get to the bottom of why the person pushes your buttons. Amy Gallo writes in the Harvard Business Review: “Rather than thinking about how irritating the person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are.”
Do they remind you of someone or something from your past? Do you fear that they secretly disrespect you? Are they hitting a pet peeve you’ve allowed to take on a life of its own? Is the person part of a class or group you don’t understand? Be brutally honest so you can know what it is within you that is producing the distress.
3. Own it: Once you really understand what’s at work, it’s time to accept a fundamental, if hard-to-swallow, fact: no matter how annoying the person might be, the reality is that you alone are responsible for the effect it has on you. Andy Puddicombe, in the mindfulness app Headspace, urges listeners: “Observe your reactions without getting swept up in them.”
You might be tempted to believe that your irritation is you nobly defending values worth fighting for. But more likely, you are indulging in unproductive, harmful way of thinking. Don’t indulge.
4. Manage it: Rather than dwelling and smoldering, make a plan.
• Find their positives. Imagine yourself giving a speech that genuinely honors the person who bugs you. What would you say? What qualities of theirs are great? If you are being objective, what are their standout strengths? Don’t let yourself off the hook. Then find a way to regularly remind yourself that, just like you, they bring good to the party.
• Assume good intent. Decide to believe that your colleague wants the same things you do, even in the places where they don’t make it easy. Be less quick to question their motives or draw conclusions about their character. Choose to view them as committed to success for the business and harmony along the way, just like you are, if they represent it differently than you.
• Be big. Work on showing up as a leader above the fray – fair-minded, objective and focused on creating the conditions for the business to thrive. Don’t let your dislike of engaging with them cause you to employ workarounds or allow for passive effects. Visualize your presence before conversations – mentally practice being neutral, warm and calm so you are reliably that way yet still your assertive self, as important matters are at stake.
• Talk to them. If they’re doing something really specific that is bugging you and your concern is remotely reasonable, tell them. Present it like the gracious individual you are, and treat them like the responsible, accomplished adult that they are. Speak the truth humbly, then be prepared to listen with gratitude.
The good news is, managing dislike of a coworker or co-leader is not that hard – it just requires a measure of sustained intentionality.
It’s worth mentioning that these tips are written for the annoying but generally harmless mismatches in style and chemistry that happen in the workplace everywhere. But if you are being mistreated or bullied on the job, address the situation forthrightly.
It is only human not to love all your coworkers. But don’t allow yourself to become so preoccupied with the imperfections of one of your peers that it gets in the way of teamwork and leadership. Your business needs the very best version of you.
