If you are someone who struggles with saying no, you are not alone. Many women who self-identify as people-pleasers find themselves constantly saying yes to invitations, requests and demands when they really want to say no.
It is a cycle that has no end, and often results in the individual feeling resentful, overworked and overwhelmed. –
In most cases, people-pleasing behavior is strongly correlated with patterns and conditioning that were established in early childhood.
Young girls who were rewarded for being ‘good’ learned at a young age that they would have their needs met when they conformed and met the expectations of their primary caregiver.
While people-pleasing is usually learned in childhood, it can have significant negative consequences when such behaviors are continued into adulthood.
They also learned, that in order to avoid punishment or other negative reactions, by appeasing others they would be kept safe.
While this is a strategy that works brilliantly at five, seven or 10 years of age, it can be a pattern that continues well into adulthood – resulting in the ongoing people-pleasing behavior.
In addition to the inability to say no, other common traits among people-pleasers include perfectionism, procrastination, porous boundaries, co-dependency, anxiousness and agreeableness.
While people-pleasing is usually learned in childhood, it can have significant negative consequences when such behaviors are continued into adulthood.
Research conducted by Gabor Mate, in his best-selling book The Myth of Normal, has revealed that individuals who are unable to set boundaries are vulnerable and prone to developing chronic diseases in adulthood, from hypertension to autoimmune disease.
Learning to say no
Here are five ways to support learning to say no gracefully and to create better boundaries.
1. Create a ‘not-to-do’ list
If you are someone who constantly finds themselves saying yes when they really want to say no, then try creating a ‘not-to-do’ list. While we’ve all heard of a to-do list, the concept of a not-to-do list helps to establish the specific tasks, requests and invitations that you will no longer say yes to.
Take some time to review your calendar and camera roll over the last six months. What were the people, events and requests you said yes to that created negative emotions, added little value or resulted in you feeling resentful? Write these down on a page.
2. Establish personal boundaries
Once you become clear on what your personal boundaries actually are, it will become easier to communicate them. From reviewing your ‘not-to-do’ list, it may become apparent that you are no longer wanting to be available for coffee meetings, meetings past 5pm or for unpaid speaking opportunities.
It is important to understand your own personal boundaries and be clear on what you are and aren’t available for.
While the new Right to Disconnect law introduced in Australia and other countries globally will certainly help, it is important to understand your own personal boundaries and be clear on what you are and aren’t available for.
When you take the time to establish personal boundaries upfront, you will no longer have to exert significant amounts of time or energy deliberating on whether you should accept each new request or not.
3. Prepare written scripts
Scripts are a simple yet powerful tool for communicating and learning to say no in a graceful manner. Refer back to your ‘not-to-do’ list and personal boundaries to create draft scripts that you can utilize upon receiving requests and invitations you do not wish to undertake or attend. As an example, your script could read:
“Dear XXX,
Thank you so much for reaching out, I am so flattered that you would consider having me speak at this event!
While I would usually love to be involved, I have recently established a personal policy where I am no longer accepting any unpaid speaking opportunities. Should my policy change in the future or should you have any other events that could accommodate my speaking fee, then please feel free to let me know.
I wish you every success with the event and am very much looking to staying connected with you.
Thank you so much again for thinking me and for extending the invitation. I truly appreciate the offer and consideration.
Kind regards,
XXX”
4. Understand your own patterns and conditioning
The first step for any change is awareness. When you begin to understand your own deep-seated patterns and conditioning, you can then put in the appropriate mechanisms to change them. People-pleasing may have served a role in your childhood, but it is not the most optimal strategy into adulthood.
Working with a qualified professional can help bring those patterns to conscious awareness, so that you can create new, more optimal ways of operating.
5. Uncover your own inherent sense of self-worth
A common behavioral trait of people-pleasers is that their identity is closely tied to what they are able to do for others.
Understanding that you are inherently worthy because of who you are, rather than what you are able to do for others, can often be the gateway to creating healthier boundaries.
This then creates a lack of boundaries and a tendency to over-give, despite the longer-term feelings of pain and resentment that may be created.
Understanding that you are inherently worthy because of who you are, rather than what you are able to do for others, can often be the gateway to creating healthier boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries
Creating solid boundaries is paramount to the longevity, sustainability and long-term success of your career, relationships and life.
When we are able to implement solid boundaries, it can result in greater levels of focus, a reduction in anxiety and overwhelm, mental and physical wellbeing and command greater levels of respect.
Gaining clarity on your own personal boundaries, creating scripts to support you in the communication of those boundaries and understanding your own inherent worthiness – outside of what you are able to do for others – can be incredibly powerful ways of learning to say no and creating boundaries in a graceful way.
